Phineas and Ferb: Back to School!
by Verdande
Summary: There were a hundred and four days of summer vacation, then school came along just to end it...Phineas and Ferb are going back to school! Can they survive their anti-fun principal and the trials of education? Meanwhile Candace faces off against the queen bee-who has a crush on Jeremy! And Perry must venture into new ground to defeat Doofenshmirtz. Written in script format.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is written as a script for the TV show. I wrote it partly for fun and partly to practice writing in script format.

I also messed with the timeline on the show a little bit so that the story would work more smoothly. That's why Candace and Jeremy are freshmen in high school instead of Candace being a sophomore (?) and Jeremy a junior.

I hope you enjoy it!

PHINEAS AND FERB—THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, PART 1

OPENING

STARTS OUT AS NORMAL TITLE SEQUENCE.

SONG:

There's a hundred and four days of summer vacation

And school came along just to end it

So now the new problem for our generation

Is finding a good way-

PHINEAS'S EYES POP ALL THE WAY OPEN. HE LOOKS ALARMED.

PHINEAS

Wait, wait, wait. WHAT did you just say?

SCREEN GOES BLACK. HUGE TITLE FALLS ONTO THE SCREEN. MUSIC STINGER—DUN DUN DUN DUUUNNN

SOUND OF CANDACE SCREAMING

OPENING SHOT: OUTSIDE OF THE FLYNN-FLETCHER HOUSE—PRE-DAWN

CUT TO CANDACE'S BEDROOM. SHE'S BOUNCING AROUND EXCITEDLY YELLING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS

CANDACE

**IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL!** I get to see JEREMY!

LINDA STICKS HER HEAD THROUGH THE DOOR. SHE LOOKS TIRED.

CANDACE

Is the bus here yet?

LINDA

Candace, it's five in the morning!

CANDACE

Arrgh! I can't wait another (CHECKS CLOCK) two hours and fifty-three minutes!

LINDA

Why don't you figure out what you want to wear today?

CANDACE OPENS HER CLOSET, REVEALING A VERY WILD OUTFIT.

CANDACE

Ta-da!

LINDA

Are you sure about that?

CAMERA PANS IN ON CANDACE'S CLOCK. SUDDENLY IT'S 7:45. CAMERA PULLS OUT.

CANDACE STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF HER BEDROOM, STARING DESOLATELY AT THE CLOTHES SPREAD ANKLE-DEEP AROUND THE ROOM. SHE'S WEARING HER NORMAL OUTFIT.

LINDA (OFF-SCREEN)

CANDACE! The bus is here! You're going to be late!

CANDACE SCREAMS AND DASHES AROUND HER ROOM, THROWING HER THINGS INTO HER BACKPACK BEFORE ZIPPING DOWN THE STAIRS. SHE DASHES PAST LINDA IN THE KITCHEN AND PHINEAS AND FERB IN THE DRIVEWAY AND JUMPS ONTO THE HIGH SCHOOL BUS, WHICH WAS JUST ABOUT TO PULL AWAY FROM THE CURB. STACEY WAVES TO HER AND SHE JOINS HER FRIEND.

STACEY

Hey.

CANDACE

Hey!

STACEY AND CANDACE TOGETHER

First day of high school!

THEY SQUEAL AND HUG EACH OTHER. CANDACE PUTS HER HANDS BEHIND HER HEAD AND LEANS AGAINST THE SEAT WITH A BIG SMILE.

CANDACE

Finally I can leave the busting to the teachers and get back to crushing on Jeremy!

(SHE GLANCES AROUND)

I wonder where he is?

CANDACE CRAWLS OVER STACEY AND PRESSES HER NOSE TO THE WINDOW.

QUICK BUS RIDE MONTAGE. AS MORE KIDS GET ON BUT JEREMY FAILS TO APPEAR CANDACE BECOME MORE AND MORE DISMAYED. AS THEY PULL INTO THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT SHE SLUMPS AGAINST THE SEAT BACK MISERABLY.

STACEY

Maybe he has a different bus?

CANDACE

Worst. School year. Ever.

CUT TO PHINEAS AND FERB IN THE DRIVEWAY. THEY WAIT A SECOND BEFORE THEIR BUS PULLS UP AND THEY CLIMB ABOARD. BALJEET, BUFORD AND ISABELLA ARE ALREADY ABOARD.

ISABELLA

Hey, Phineas. Hey, Ferb. Whatcha doin'?

PHINEAS

Well, apparently we're going to school.

BALJEET (UNHAPPILY)

I never thought this day would come.

BUFORD

Yeah, that was one long summer vacation.

PHINEAS (LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW)

I wonder what Perry's doing?

CUT TO PERRY. HE WHIPS OUT HIS FEDORA, CLIMBS BEHIND A PICTURE ON THE WALL AND ZOOMS DOWN TO HQ, WHERE MAJOR MONOGRAM IS WAITING.

MAJOR MONOGRAM

Ah, there you are, Agent P. Doofenshmirtz has taken a position as a substitute teacher at the Danville High School. One of their teachers is out, so that's where he is right now. Go find out what he's up to!

PERRY SALUTES AND TAKES A LITTLE JETPACK TO THE HIGH SCHOOL. (CUE PERRY THE PLATYPUS THEME) HE GOES IN THROUGH AN OPEN WINDOW, DISPOSES OF THE JETPACK, AND IMMEDIATELY HAS TO GO INTO NORMAL PLATYPUS MODE AS TWO GIRLS WALK BY. THEY'RE BOTH TALKING ON CELL PHONES, APPARENTLY TO EACH OTHER.

CELL PHONE GIRL #1

OMG, so did you see that photo Ashley put up on Mugpage? Like, totally riddick!

CELL PHONE GIRL #2

Totally.

CPG #1

And that outfit that Hilary was wearing? Where'd that come from, the city dump?

CPG #2

Totally.

THEY WALK OFF WITHOUT NOTICING PERRY. PERRY GIVES THEM A STRANGE LOOK, SHAKES HIS HEAD WITH AN EYEROLL, AND CONTINUES ON UNTIL HE FINDS THE RIGHT DOOR. HE LEAPS UP AND PULLS THE HANDLE, KICKING IT OPEN.

INSIDE IS DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ, APPARENTLY SETTING UP A MICROSCOPE.

DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Ah, Perry the Platypus! How totally unanticipated!...And by "totally unanticipated" I mean COMPLETELY ANTICIPATED!

DR. DOOF PULLS OUT A SMALL, WEIRD-LOOKING GIZMO AND POINTS IT AT PERRY. IMMEDIATELY SEVERAL PIECES OF STRING SHOOT OUT AND WRAP THEMSELVES AROUND PERRY'S ANKLES, TRIPPING HIM UP. HE FALLS OVER.

DR. DOOF

How do you like my SHOELACE-TIER-TOGETHER-REVENGE-INATOR? Yes, I thought you might enjoy it. You see, when I was a boy…

CUE THE DOOFENSHMIRTZ BACKSTORY FADEOUT. YOUNG HEINZ IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCHOOLYARD LOOKING UNHAPPY.

DR. DOOF (VO)

Everyone's favorite prank was to tie each other's shoelaces together so that you couldn't walk without tripping. The least popular people really had it rough. I could barely get three steps!

YOUNG HEINZ STARTS WALKING. HE WALKS TWO AND A HALF STEPS AND A KID SUDDENLY SHOOTS OUT, TIES HIS SHOELACES TOGETHER AND DARTS OFF BEFORE HEINZ NOTICES. HEINZ IMMEDIATELY TRIPS AND THE KIDS IN THE BACKGROUND LAUGH.

DR. DOOF

I had to bunny hop, like this! See, Perry the Platypus?

CUT TO PRESENT DAY DOOF BUNNY-HOPPING AROUND THE CLASSROOM. PERRY LOOKS SKEPTICAL.

DR. DOOF

Anyway…

CUT BACK TO YOUNG HEINZ. THROUGH THIS WHOLE MONOLOGUE, WE SEE HIM TRIPPING, WALKING IN LATE, BUNNY HOPPING, ETC.

It just made me so mad! I was always late and everyone thought it was hilarious. I tried to do it back, but it never worked, and everyone just laughed more. It was really horrible…

CUT BACK TO PRESENT DAY. PERRY HAS A "GET ON WITH IT" LOOK ON HIS FACE.

DR. DOOF

Right. So now I've decided to get my revenge on these high school students with this! The Shoelace-Tier-Together-Revenge-Inator!

HOLDS UP THE GIZMO. PERRY HAS THAT "SERIOUSLY?" LOOK.

DR. DOOF

I already introduced this, didn't I.

PERRY NODS.

DR. DOOF

Oh. Sorry.

CUT TO THE FRONT OF THE HIGH SCHOOL. CANDACE AND STACEY WALK THROUGH THE DOORS AND INTO THE HALL. STACEY CONSULTS A PIECE OF PAPER.

STACEY

I'm locker number 182. What are you?

CANDACE (LOOKS AT HER OWN PIECE OF PAPER, DISMAYED)

111.

STACEY

That sucks.

CANDACE

Well, maybe it's near Jeremy.

STACEY

Mine's right here. See ya!

THEY SEPARATE AND WAVE. CANDACE FINDS HER OWN LOCKER, NAVIGATING THE CROWDS OF BIG, SOMETIMES SCARY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. SHE OPENS IT AND STICKS SOME OF HER BOOKS INSIDE, THEN TAKES THEM BACK OUT, STACKS THEM ON THE FLOOR, AND STANDS ON THEM TO LOOK FOR JEREMY.

CANDACE

Where IS he?

SUDDENLY SHE VERY NEARLY GETS KNOCKED OVER BY A PIERCED, LEATHER-JACKETED PUNK. SHE SQUEALS AND GRABS HER LOCKER DOOR FOR SUPPORT, BUT IT SWINGS OUT AND SHE FALLS AGAINST THE LOCKERS.

NEARBY HIGH SCHOOL JOCK

Watch it, dweeb!

CANDACE REGAINS HER BALANCE AND SPOTS JEREMY. SHE STARTS JUMPING UP AND OWN AND WAVING.

CANDACE

Jeremy! JEREMY!

JEREMY TURNS, BUT SOMETHING HITS CANDACE IN THE BACK AND SHE FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR. BEHIND HER ARE THE CELL PHONE GIRLS.

CANDACE

Owww!

CPG 1

Smooth moves, loser.

CPG 2

Totally not.

THE CPGS WALK AWAY LAUGHING. CUT TO JEREMY, WHO IS LOOKING AROUND. HE'S HOLDING HIS CLASS SCHEDULE IN ONE HAND.

JEREMY

Candace? Where'd she go?

SUDDENLY SOMEONE WALKS INTO HIM. HE STUMBLES FORWARD AND THEN TURNS AND SEES TIARA. SHE'S TEXTING ON HER CELL PHONE AND DIDN'T SEE HIM.

TIARA

Hey, watch it, loser!

TIARA IS THE QUEEN BEE OF THE SCHOOL AND SHE LOOKS THE PART. SHE EXPECTS TOTAL OBEDIENCE FROM EVERYONE LOWER ON THE SOCIAL SCALE.

SHE LOOKS UP AND GETS A GOOD LOOK AT JEREMY. WE SEE FROM HER EXPRESSION AND BODY LANGUAGE THAT SHE LIKES WHAT SHE SEES.

TIARA

Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there. Whoops!

SHE DROPS HER CELL PHONE. JEREMY, BEING THE GENTLEMAN THAT HE IS, LEANS DOWN TO PICK IT UP FOR HER.

JEREMY

Here you go.

TIARA

Oh, thanks, honey! It's my first day here and I am just SO LOST!

SHE LEANS OVER AND LOOKS AT JEREMY'S SCHEDULE.

TIARA (CONT)

Oh hey, we're both in 164 for homeroom. Wanna come with?

TIARA FLIPS HER HAIR FLIRTATIOUSLY, BUT JEREMY IS LOOKING AT THE ROOM NUMBERS AND DOESN'T NOTICE.

JEREMY (POINTING)

I think it should be that way.

TIARA

My hero!

SHE LOOPS HER ARM THROUGH JEREMY'S AS THEY WALK DOWN THE HALL. JEREMY, UNSURE ABOUT WHETHER HE SHOULD SAY SOMETHING, TRIES TO PULL AWAY, BUT TIARA JUST YANKS HIS ARM CLOSER.

CUT TO PHINEAS AND FERB ENTERING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. IT'S ABOUT AS CROWDED AS CANDACE'S SCHOOL BUT WITH SMALLER KIDS. PHINEAS, FERB, BUFORD, BALJEET, ISABELLA, AND 2 FIRESIDE GIRLS (ADYSON AND GINGER) FORM A CIRCLE.

PHINEAS

I've got homeroom in room 101. Anyone with me?

FERB AND ISABELLA RAISE THEIR HANDS. PHINEAS LEANS OVER AND GLANCES AT ISABELLA'S SCHEDULE.

PHINEAS

Wow, Isabella, I think we have all the same classes.

ISABELLA (A LITTLE TOO INNOCENTLY)

Do we?

FERB

One would almost think that someone had hacked the school computer to change one's schedule.

ADYSON (TO ISABELLA)

Didn't you just get your School Computer Hacking badge?

ISABELLA GLARES AT HER. THE BELL RINGS.

PHINEAS

See you guys at lunch!

THEY DISPERSE. CUT TO DR. DOOF AND PERRY, WHERE THE BELL IS ALSO RINGING.

DR. DOOF

Well, Perry the Platypus, it looks like you're going to have to foil my scheme a little later than usual today!

HE PICKS UP PERRY AND STICKS HIM IN A VERY LARGE GLASS TANK AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM.

DR. DOOF

Enjoy your new position as class pet, Perry the Platypus!

PERRY GLARES AT DOOF, THEN WHIPS OFF HIS HAT AND GOES INTO NORMAL PLATYPUS MODE AS STUDENTS START FILING IN.

CUT TO CANDACE, DRAGGING HERSELF INTO ANOTHER CLASSROOM.

CANDACE

I can't find Jeremy ANYWHERE!

SHE FLOPS DOWN MISERABLY AT HER DESK. CUE MUSIC.

SONG: "WHERE THE HECK IS HE?"

I've been waiting for this day for what seems like forever

And it's finally time for us to be together

But now there's a big problem on a whole level

Where the heck is he?

I've waited and fantasized and hoped and dreamed

I've worked and prepared and devised and schemed

Now nothing's going as it seemed, just

Where the heck is he?

He's not in my math

He's not in my P.E.

He's not in my English

He's not in history

Now I'm so disappointed I

Wanna cry and scream,

Where the heck is he?

AS THE SONG GOES, WE SEE A MONTAGE OF CANDACE'S DAY TO THE LYRICS. AT ONE POINT SHE SEES JEREMY FROM THE BACK, RUNS UP, TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER—AND IT'S NOT JEREMY, IT'S JUST SOMEONE WITH BLOND HAIR AND A SIMILAR OUTFIT.

WHEN IT ENDS SHE GETS UP AND DRAGS HERSELF OUT OF THE CLASSROOM, MEETING STACEY IN THE HALLWAY.

CANDACE

Any sign?

STACEY

Well, I just saw him in my Spanish class.

CANDACE SNAPS TO ATTENTION.

CANDACE

And…?

STACEY (PUTS HER HAND ON CANDACE'S SHOULDER)

He's got a different lunch period.

CANDACE HAS A TOTAL MELTDOWN. SHE STARTS SOBBING ON STACEY'S SHOULDER. STACEY PATS HER BACK.

CUT TO PHINEAS AND FERB. THEY'RE ENTERING THEIR CAFETERIA, STANDING IN THE FOOD LINE.

PHINEAS

I hope they have meatloaf.

AS THEY GET TO THE FRONT, WE SEE THE COMPLETELY GRAY, LIFELESS AREA BEHIND THE COUNTERS, COMPLETE WITH BORED-LOOKING ELDERLY LUNCH LADIES. LUNCH LADY #1 PLOPS DOWN SOME GRAY MYSTERY MEAT ONTO PHINEAS'S TRAY.

PHINEAS

That does NOT look like meatloaf.

NOW IT'S LUNCH LADY #2'S TURN. SHE GIVES HIM SOME STINKY GREEN MUSH.

PHINEAS

What IS this?

LUNCH LADY #2 GRUNTS AND SHRUGS. LUNCH LADY #3 ADDS SOME DINGY MASHED POTATOES. WE SEE FLIES BUZZING OVER THE WHOLE THING.

PHINEAS (HOLDING HIS NOSE)

I'm not even gonna ask.

HE PAYS AND GETS A CARTON OF MILK BEFORE WALKING AWAY FROM THE LUNCH LINE.

PHINEAS

Ferb, this was not what I pictured us eating here.

THEY JOIN THEIR FRIENDS AT A TABLE.

PHINEAS

Hey, did you guys buy lunch too?

ISABELLA

Ick. Yes.

BALJEET

There's a reason I brought my own lunch.

BUFORD

Yeah, and there's a reason I stole it from him.

TAKES A HUGE BITE OUT OF BALJEET'S SANDWICH.

ISABELLA

I'm going on a diet.

SHE PUSHES HER TRAY AWAY. CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE TRAY. A FLY LANDS ON THE MYSTERY MEAT, MAKES A DISGUSTED FACE, AND LEAVES.

PHINEAS

Ferb and I can cook better than this! Heck, we HAVE cooked better than this! We should make our own cafeteria and—

HIS EYES POP OPEN. YOU CAN ALMOST SEE THE LIGHTBULB OVER HIS HEAD.

PHINEAS (CONT)

Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!

HE GETS UP AND MARCHES TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA. FERB FOLLOWS. A QUICK BUILDING MONTAGE ENSUES AS THEY RENOVATE THE ENTIRE PLACE, ADDING EQUIPMENT SIMILAR TO THAT USED IN CHEZ PLATYPUS TO THE KITCHEN AND KID-FRIENDLY DECORATIONS TO THE ACTUAL CAFETERIA.

CUT TO DOOFENSHMITZ. HE'S STANDING AT THE FRONT OF THE EMPTY CLASSROOM, PANTING. THE LAST STUDENT IS SEEN WALKING OUT.

DR. DOOF

Wow, who knew teaching high schoolers would be so much WORK? I didn't. Did YOU know, Perry the Platypus?

PERRY, STILL IN NORMAL PLATYPUS MODE, GROWLS AT HIM.

DR. DOOF (TURNING HIS BACK)

Thanks for staying in your cage, Perry the Platypus. Between trying to explain my High-School-Science-Homework-Inator to the students and using my Shoelace-Tier-Together-Revenge-Inator on them, I just wouldn't have had time to fight you! You make a very good class pet, Perry the—

HE TURNS AROUND AND SEES PERRY'S EMPTY CAGE.

DR. DOOF

Hey, where'd he go?

PERRY COMES UP AND KICKS HIM FROM BEHIND.

DR. DOOF

Ow! Not fair!

PERRY KEEPS KICKING HIM AND DOOFENSHMIRTZ KEEPS SAYING "OW!" UNTIL SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND JEREMY STICKS HIS HEAD IN. PERRY INSTANTLY ASSUMES NORMAL PLATYPUS MODE AND DR. DOOF DIVES FOR HIS DESK, TRYING TO LOOK LIKE HE WAS WORKING.

JEREMY

Oh, hi, Mr. D. I was just looking for Candace Flynn. Have you seen her?

DR. DOOF (HIDDEN FROM JEREMY BEHIND HIS COMPUTER)

She's not here! Go away!

JEREMY

Oh, okay. Sorry.

HE WALKS OUT INTO THE HALL, GLANCING BEHIND HIM. HE CHECKS HIS WATCH AND SIGHS.

JEREMY

Gotta get to class. I'll have to find her later.

HE STARTS TO WALK AWAY, BUT THEN DUCKS BEHIND THE DOOR AS TIARA COMES DOWN THE HALLWAY.

TIARA

Jeremy? Where'd you go?

SHE WALKS PAST HIM. JEREMY BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF.

CUT BACK TO DR. DOOF. HE COMES OUT FROM BEHIND HIS DESK, HOLDING THE SHOELACE-TIER-TOGETHER-REVENGE-INATOR (STTR-INATOR). PERRY SNEAKS UP ON HIM.

DR. DOOF

Well, that was awkward. Ow!

THE LAST WORD IS AS PERRY KICKS HIM. DR. DOOF STARTS TRYING TO GET PERRY WITH THE STTR-INATOR BUT KEEPS MISSING.

DR. DOOF

CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS! Stop dodging!

CUT BACK TO THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAFETERIA. PHINEAS AND FERB ARE STANDING ON ONE OF THE TABLES IN FRONT OF THE SERVING AREA. THE WHOLE PLACE LOOKS BRIGHTER AND FRIENDLIER. A SHEET COVERS THE SERVING AREA.

PHINEAS

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we now present—

THE SHEET IS WHISKED OFF, REVEALING THE SERVING AREA, WHICH IS NOW SPOTLESS AND FILLED WITH DELICIOUS FOOD. CORN DOGS, HAMBURGERS, JELL-O, FRENCH FRIES, ICE CREAM, FRESH FRUIT, ETC.

PHINEAS (CONT)

The NEW and IMPROVED DANVILLE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAFETERIA!

THE KIDS CHEER AND SWARM FORWARD TO GET THE FOOD. THE LUNCH LADIES, LOOKING CONSIDERABLY HAPPIER BUT A TAD CONFUSED, START SERVING THEM. LUNCH LADY #1 TURNS TO PHINEAS.

LUNCH LADY #1

Hey, aren't you a little young to be renovating the cafeteria?

PHINEAS

Yes. Yes, we are.

LUNCH LADY #1

Okay, then.

THE PLACE IS NOW IN PANDEMONIUM, BUT IN A GOOD WAY. KIDS ARE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THE FOOD AND TALKING HAPPILY. THE WHOLE SCENE LOOKS LIKE GREAT FUN, UNTIL THE DOOR TO THE CAFETERIA SUDDENLY BANGS OPEN AND REVEALS A STRICT-LOOKING OLDER MAN IN A SUIT (THE PRINCIPAL).

PRINCIPAL

What on EARTH is going on here?!

A HUSH FALLS ACROSS THE CAFETERIA. ADYSON LEANS OVER TO ISABELLA.

ADYSON (WHISPERING)

That's Principal Funkiller!

ISABELLA

Principal FUNKILLER?

ADYSON (NODDING)

It's actually his name.

ALL THE KIDS EXCEPT FOR PHINEAS AND FERB NOW LOOK TERRIFIED AND ARE KIND OF SHRINKING IN THEIR SEATS.

BALJEET (HIDING HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS)

Oh no. I am now a juvenile delinquent.

BUFORD (PATTING HIM ON THE BACK)

Welcome to the brotherhood.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER SURVEYS THE CAFETERIA WITH AN ICY STARE. HIS GAZE LOCKS ON PHINEAS AND FERB, THE ONLY KIDS WHO DON'T LOOK SCARED.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Who is responsible for this outrage?!

PHINEAS STEPS FORWARD. FERB FOLLOWS HIM.

PHINEAS

That would be me, sir.

FERB

And me.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

I see. Well, I think you should know that this is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! I have never seen such flouting of school rules in my entire life!

ISABELLA SUDDENLY STANDS UP. SHE POINTS AT HER ABANDONED LUNCH TRAY, WHICH STILL HAS THE MYSTERY MEAT ETC ON IT.

ISABELLA

The thing that's completely unacceptable is the food you were serving before! Even the flies wouldn't eat it!

THE FLY FROM BEFORE LANDS ON HER BOW AND NODS IN DEFINITE AGREEMENT.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Two weeks detention for you, young lady!

ISABELLA IS ABOUT TO PROTEST BUT ADYSON GRABS HER ARM AND PULLS HER DOWN.

ADYSON (IN A WHISPER)

Don't make it worse for yourself!

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER (TURNING BACK TO PHINEAS AND FERB)

And four weeks for you, young men! You'll be the ones cleaning this whole atrocity up!

PHINEAS

But—

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER (TO PHINEAS)

And an additional week for you! You are clearly the ringleader here!

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER GLARES AT FERB ALONE NOW.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

I would advise you to distance yourself from your delinquent companion, young man. He's clearly a bad influence on you.

PHINEAS'S FRIENDS ALL GASP IN SHOCK AND OUTRAGE.

PHINEAS

He's my—

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Another week for you! And I hope this will be a lesson to you. Rules were made to be followed, and they must BE followed! What kind of school would we have if the kids ate things they liked?

PHINEAS

A happier one?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

HAPPIER?! Who cares about HAPPIER?

PHINEAS

A more productive one, then? People work harder when they're well-fed.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER PAUSES WITH HIS FINGER IN THE AIR AND HIS MOUTH OPEN, UNABLE TO REFUTE THAT. HE GOES FOR THE OBVIOUS.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Another week of detention for you!

HE TURNS AND STARTS TO STORM OUT OF THE CAFETERIA.

CUT BACK TO DR. DOOF. HE'S STILL TRYING TO GET PERRY WITH THE STTR-INATOR. ONE OF THE BLASTS GOES OUT THE WINDOW, ACROSS THE YARD, THROUGH THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE SEPARATING THE HIGH SCHOOL FROM THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, AND THROUGH THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAFETERIA WINDOW INTO THE CAFETERIA, WHERE IT HITS PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER. HE FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER (YELLING)

And another three weeks for both of you!

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER GETS UP, FALLS OVER AGAIN, GETS UP AGAIN AND BUNNY-HOPS OUT OF THE CAFETERIA.

BALJEET

So that's ten weeks of detention for Phineas, seven for Ferb and two for Isabella. And none for me! Perhaps I am not a juvenile delinquent after all.

HE GRINS HAPPILY. BUFORD SNAPS HIS FINGERS IN DISAPPOINTMENT.

FERB TURNS TO PHINEAS, WHO STILL LOOKS TOTALLY SHELL-SHOCKED.

FERB

Well, I think that went rather well, all things considered.

END OF PART 1


	2. Chapter 2

PHINEAS AND FERB—THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, PART 2 (EXTENDED EPISODE)

BY ROWAN PROCTER

OPENING SHOT: DANVILLE ELEMENTARY AND HIGH SCHOOLS

CUT TO PHINEAS AND FERB'S CLASSROOM. THE TEACHER'S VOICE IS AN INDISTINCT DRONE. WE CAN'T TELL WHAT SUBJECT IS BEING TAUGHT. ZOOM IN ON FERB. HE'S NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION, CHOOSING INSTEAD TO SKETCH A COMPLEX ROCKET SHIP ENGINE IN HIS NOTEBOOK. HE GLANCES OUT OF THE WINDOW NEXT TO HIM, WHICH HAS A VIEW OF THE HIGH SCHOOL.

FERB CAN SEE THROUGH ONE OF THE HIGH SCHOOL WINDOWS. VANESSA DOOFENSHMIRTZ IS SITTING NEXT TO IT. CUE MUSIC.

FERB'S EYES WIDEN. THE BACKGROUND GOES PINK AND HEARTS APPEAR, ETC. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON VANESSA, WHO IS TAKING NOTES. SHE TUCKS A STRAND OF HAIR BEHIND HER EAR, LOOKS UP AND OUT OF THE WINDOW, AND SMILES AT FERB. FERB'S IMAGINATION ZOOMS INTO OVERDRIVE, ENHANCING THE WHOLE THING.

TEACHER

Mr. Fletcher!

THE TEACHER SMACKS HER RULER AGAINST HER DESK, MAKING A SHARP NOISE AND BRINGING FERB OUT OF VANESSA-LAND. HE JUMPS, SCATTERING THE PERFECTLY LINED UP PENCILS ON HIS DESK. CLEARLY FLUSTERED, HE GLANCES AT HIS NOTEBOOK.

FERB

Well, if you reverse the polarity of the magnets and kick in the turbines, it should have enough sustained kinetic energy to make it all the way to Mars.

TEACHER

Thank you Mr. Fletcher; that is NOT how we spell "capitulate." Miss Hirano?

GINGER (ONE OF THE FIRESIDE GIRLS)

Capitulate. C-A-P-I-T-U-L-A-T-E. Capitulate.

TEACHER

Thank you. Mr. Flynn, please spell "capital."

PHINEAS

Capital. C-A-P…um…A-T-I-L.

TEACHER

Incorrect.

THE PHONE ON THE DESK RINGS AND THE TEACHER PICKS IT UP.

TEACHER

Ms. Dunn's class.

PAUSE. THE TEACHER LOOKS AS PHINEAS.

TEACHER

Mr. Flynn, you're wanted in the office.

PHINEAS

Uh-oh.

PHINEAS GETS UP AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. ISABELLA LEANS OVER TO FERB.

ISABELLA

I wonder if it's about the whole lunchroom thing?

FERB SHRUGS.

CUT TO PHINEAS. HE'S STANDING IN THE HALL. THE HALL IS RIDICULOUSLY LONG, WITH THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE BARELY VISIBLE AT THE END. PHINEAS TAKES OUT BINOCULARS AND CHECKS THAT IT REALLY IS THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE BEFORE SETTING OFF.

THE CLASSROOM NEXT TO PHINEAS'S OPENS AND BALJEET COMES OUT. HE'S PALE AND TREMBLING.

PHINEAS

Hi, Baljeet.

BALJEET

Have you been summoned to the office too?

PHINEAS

Yeah, I wonder what that's about.

BALJEET

I knew modifying the lunchroom was a bad idea! This is all your fault, Phineas Flynn!

PHINEAS

Oh yeah, that's probably it. Well, come on.

THEY START WALKING. BALJEET IS TERRIFIED. HIS TEETH ARE CHATTERING, MAKING A PERRY-LIKE NOISE.

PHINEAS (LAUGHS)

Haha, you sound like Perry!

BALJEET

What have I done wrong? Have they found out that I designed your hot dog machine?

PHINEAS (LOOKING AROUND)

Is it just me, or is this a ridiculously long hallway?

BALJEET

It is the Hall of Shame. All students must pass through it before they are punished to increase their terror. Oh no, I am going to be expelled!

PHINEAS

Well, the Hall of Shame seems to be working.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING. THE HALL HAS NOW DEVELOPED A VERY "LAST MILE" ATMOSPHERE, AND BALJEET IS BEHAVING LIKE A PRISONER GOING TO HIS DEATH.

CUT TO: CANDACE SITTING IN CLASS. SHE'S DOODLING IN HER NOTEBOOK. WE SEE THAT SHE'S TRYING TO DRAW JEREMY, BUT SHE KEEPS MESSING UP: HIS EARS ARE HUGE OR HIS NOSE IS HUGE OR ONE EYE IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER. NEVERTHELESS, CANDACE SEEMS HAPPY. SHE SWITCHES TO WRITING "MRS. CANDACE JOHNSON" IN VARIOUS SCRIPTS.

CANDACE HEARS THE TWO CPGS TALKING. SHE LISTENS IN AND HER EXPRESSION BECOMES ALARMED.

CPG 1

Omigosh, so that guy in English? Jeremy Johnson? SO hot.

CPG 2

Totally.

CPG 1

When he turned around to ask me if he could borrow a pencil? (SWOONS) He was sooo cute! I totally want to marry him!

CPG 2

Totally.

CANDACE'S EXPRESSION IS A MIXTURE OF DISMAY, SHOCK AND RAGE. SHE HAS COMPLETELY STOPPED DOODLING.

CPG 1

I get first dibs, okay?

CPG 2

Totally not.

CPG 1

You're so mean!

CANDACE CAN BEAR IT NO LONGER. SHE TURNS AROUND, HER FACE BRIGHT RED AND VERY ANGRY.

CANDACE (YELLING)

Could you PLEASE pipe down?!

ZOOM OUT. THE WHOLE ROOM IS STARING AT CANDACE.

TEACHER

Ms. Flynn, I realize that your neighbor's conversation is frustrating, but PLEASE find a quieter way of expressing your emotions.

CANDACE (ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY MORTIFIED)

Yes, ma'am.

CANDACE'S FACE IS BRIGHT RED. SHE PUTS IT DOWN ON HER ARMS. THE CPGS GIGGLE.

CPG 1

Busted!

CPG 2

Totally.

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR CANDACE. SHE JUMPS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE CLASSROOM, SNAGGING A BATHROOM PASS ON HER WAY OUT.

SHE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM WHERE STACY IS DRYING HER HANDS. CANDACE FLINGS HERSELF ONTO STACY'S SHOULDER AND STARTS BAWLING.

STACY

Uh-oh.

CANDACE (BARELY DECIPHERABLE)

Jeremy's going to dump me and I got totally busted and my life is terrible!

STACY (PATTING HER BACK)

Uh, come again?

CANDACE PULLS BACK AND GRABS STACY BY THE SHOULDERS, SHAKING HER.

CANDACE

He asked this girl for a pencil! What does that mean? Does he secretly like her?

STACY

Maybe it means that he needed a pencil.

CANDACE STARTS PACING, BITING HER NAILS.

CANDACE

But she likes him! She called dibs!

STACY

Considering that he's your boyfriend, I think you got dibs waaay before her.

THE BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND TIARA SWEEPS IN.

SHE LEANS INTO THE MIRROR TO REAPPLY LIPSTICK, GLANCING AT CANDACE AND SMIRKING.

TIARA

Hey, Candy Cane.

CANDACE

Huh?

TIARA

Little fashion tip, sweetie: Christmas is in _December. _

CANDACE (NOW TRULY INDIGNANT)

Excuse me, did I ASK your for fashion advice?!

TIARA

You sure should have.

STACY TUGS CANDACE'S ARM.

STACY

C'mon, let's go.

CANDACE

But she insulted me!

STACY YANKS CANDACE OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND PUTS HER HANDS ON CANDACE'S SHOULDERS.

STACY

Candace, don't mess with that girl. That's Tiara Lighthouse. I met her earlier—she'll kill you! She's EVIL!

CANDACE

Oh NO! What if SHE likes Jeremy TOO? She can't, right? She wouldn't? He's not her type?

STACY (GUILTILY)

Umm…

TIARA WALKS OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND PAST THE TWO GIRLS.

TIARA

See ya, Candycane!

CANDACE

Arrgh!

CUT TO: TIARA WALKS BACK INTO HER CLASSROOM. IT'S HISTORY…AND SHE TAKES THE EMPTY SPOT RIGHT NEXT TO JEREMY.

TIARA (CLEARLY FLIRTING)

Heey, Jeremy.

JEREMY

Hi, Tanya.

TIARA

It's TIARA.

JEREMY

Oh. Sorry.

TIARA DROPS HER PENCIL NEXT TO JEREMY AND WAITS FOR HIM TO PICK IT UP. HE DOESN'T.

TIARA

So, are you doing anything Saturday night?

JEREMY

Nope.

HE GOES ON WRITING.

TIARA (SUGGESTIVELY)

Do you want to…do something?

JEREMY (SUDDENLY REALIZING WHAT SHE MEANS)

Uh, no thanks!

TIARA MOVES CLOSER. JEREMY SCOOTS AWAY. TIARA MOVES CLOSER AGAIN.

CUT TO: JUST OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM. CANDACE IS STANDING NEXT TO THE DOORWAY.

CANDACE

I can't take not knowing!

SHE PEEKS AROUND THE DOORWAY AND SEES TIARA LEANING VERY CLOSE TO JEREMY IN A CLEARLY FLIRTATIOUS MANNER.

CANDACE'S SCREAM IS DROWNED OUT BY THE END-OF-CLASS BELL.

CUT TO: PHINEAS AND BALJEET, WHO HAVE ALMOST COMPLETED THEIR WALK DOWN THE LAST MILE.

BALJEET (IN A STATE OF TOTAL PANIC)

And then after I complete my twenty-year prison sentence I shall live on the lam until I am arrested AGAIN for stealing bread and sentenced to EXECUTION by the ELECTRIC CHAIR afterFIFTY YEARS IN THE GALLEYS! WHY oh WHY do I ever help you?

PHINEAS

Because it's fun? Oh hey, we're here.

HE PULLS THE DOOR TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE OPEN. BALJEET STARES FOR A MOMENT AND THEN FAINTS. PHINEAS SHRUGS AND GOES ON INTO THE OUTER OFFICE, WHERE THE SCHOOL SECRETARY SITS BEHIND THE DESK.

SECRETARY

Yes?

PHINEAS

I'm Phineas Flynn—

SECRETARY (DISAPPROVINGLY)

Oh, yes. The principal will see you in a few minutes. Have a seat.

PHINEAS SITS DOWN. BALJEET ENTERS THE OFFICE, VERY PALE.

SECRETARY

Yes?

BALJEET

I'm Baljeet Tjinder. I am here to receive my sentence.

HE HANGS HIS HEAD. THE SECRETARY SMILES WARMLY.

SECRETARY

Oh, Baljeet! I've got something here for you! Wait a moment!

SHE PULLS A LARGE CERTIFICATE OUT OF HER DESK AND GIVES IT TO BALJEET.

THE SECRETARY LEANS FORWARD AND TURNS ON THE SCHOOL P.A. CUT TO THE CLASSROOM WHERE FERB AND ISABELLA ARE SITTING.

SECRETARY (VO FROM THE SPEAKER)

Congratulations to Baljeet Tjinder for winning the National Atomic Scientist's Association's award for his essay on "How Geographical Perturbation Agitates the Circumference-Radial Destruction Ratio in Neo-Atomic Weaponry."

ISABELLA AND FERB APPLAUD. CUT BACK TO THE SECRETARY'S OFFICE.

BALJEET

So I am not in trouble?

SECRETARY

No, not at all!

BALJEET

Well, thank goodness for that!

HE FAINTS FROM RELIEF.

THE DOOR TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE OPENS AND PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER LEANS OUT.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER (MENACINGLY)

Ah, Mr. Flynn. Step into my office.

PHINEAS

Okay.

CUT TO DOOFENSHMIRTZ'S CLASSROOM. SCIENCE CLASS IS IN FULL SWING AND THE STUDENTS ARE USING THE MICROSCOPES. MANY OF THE GUYS ARE MESSING AROUND, SHOOTING SPITBALLS AT EACH OTHER, ETC. DOOFENSHMIRTZ HAS NO CONTROL.

SOMEONE THROWS A GLOB OF GREEN STUFF ACROSS THE ROOM.

DR. DOOF

Hey, don't throw the samples!

HE RUNS OVER AND YANKS THE MICROSCOPE AWAY FROM A BOY WHO WAS ABOUT TO BREAK IT.

DR. DOOF

Don't break the microscopes!

HE JUMPS UP ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS AND THROWS HIS ARMS OUT.

DR. DOOF

What's wrong with you kids? I'm an internationally feared supervillain! You should be cowering in fear! Look, I even have an EVIL tattoo!

HE IS HIT UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A WAD OF SOGGY PAPER AND FALLS OFF THE CHAIR.

THE BELL RINGS AND ALL THE KIDS FILE OUT. DR. DOOF WIPES HIS FOREHEAD, EXHAUSTED.

DR. DOOF

Wow, teenagers are exhausting! AHH! MY ROOM!

HE STARES IN HORROR. THE CAMERA PANS BACK AND SHOWS US THE SCIENCE ROOM. IT IS A TOTAL WRECK.

DR. DOOF (RUNNING AROUND MAKING A MACHINE OUT OF MICROSCOPES AND PIPETTES)

I'll show those no-good high-schoolers! They think they can get the better of me, eh? Well, they can't! I'LL show THEM who's boss!

HE LAUGHS EVILLY. CUT TO VANESSA WALKING DOWN THE OUTSIDE HALL. SHE HEARS DR. DOOF LAUGHING AND HER EYES WIDEN.

VANESSA

It CAN'T be…

SHE RUNS INTO THE CLASSROOM IN TIME TO SEE DR. DOOF POINT HIS NEW INVENTION AT THE MESS.

VANESSA

DAD?! What are YOU doing here?!

DR. DOOF

Ah, Vanessa! You're just in time to witness my new evil scheme! Behold…The EASY-LABORATORY-CLEAN-UP-INATOR!

HE PUSHES THE BUTTON AND A GREEN RAY ENGULFS THE WHOLE MESS. MICROSCOPES ARE REPAIRED, SPITBALLS VANISH, TEST TUBES ARE CLEANED—IN SHORT, THE WHOLE THING GOES BACK TO HOW IT WAS BEFORE THE STUDENTS CAME IN.

VANESSA

Huh. How is that evil?

DR. DOOF

Well…I'm working on that.

VANESSA

Hey, where's Perry?

CUT TO: PERRY THE PLATYPUS, SNEAKING DOWN THE HALL. HE'S HOLDING THE STTR-INATOR AND THINKS THAT HIS JOB IS DONE. SUDDENLY, HIS EYES WIDEN IN ALARM AND HE FREEZES AS CANDACE APPROACHES, SOBBING. SHE RUNS STRAIGHT PAST HIM WITHOUT NOTICING.

CANDACE (BARELY DECIPHERABLE)

I can't believe Jeremy could be so unfaithful!

PERRY BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF AS SHE RUNS PAST, BUT A FEW SECONDS LATER HE FREEZES AGAIN AS JEREMY RUNS PAST, LOOKING SCARED.

JEREMY (PANTING SLIGHTLY)

Gotta…get away…from Tiara!

PERRY GIVES HIM AN ANNOYED LOOK AND CONTINUES…ONLY TO GO INTO NORMAL PLATYPUS MODE WHEN TIARA COMES ALONG. THIS TIME SHE IS FOLLOWED BY THE CELL PHONE GIRLS.

TIARA

Darn it! Where'd he go?

CPG 1 TRIPS OVER PERRY.

CPG 1

What's this platypus doing in the hall?

PERRY GROWLS. CPG 1 SQUEALS AND JUMPS AWAY.

CPG 1

It's going to bite me!

CPG 2

Totally.

TIARA

He must have gone that way! Come on, Brittany!

SHE LEADS THE CHASE ONWARDS. PERRY PUTS HIS HAT BACK ON AND CONTINUES DOWN THE HALL. HE GOES DOWN THE STAIRS AND LEAPS BEHIND A DOOR AS CANDACE COMES BY AGAIN. SHE'S FOLLOWED BY JEREMY, WHO'S FOLLOWED BY TIARA. CUE MUSIC SEQUENCE AS THE SAME THING KEEPS HAPPENING: PERRY HIDING FROM CANDACE, WHO'S HIDING FROM JEREMY, WHO'S HIDING FROM TIARA. THEY ALL GO IN CIRCLES.

SONG: "HIDING FROM YOU"

Hiding from you

Is what I must do

In order to not be discovered

I won't be found

Because I am bound

And determined to not be uncovered

I can't be seen here

Or anywhere near

Cause that really wouldn't be good

For the time being

I need to be fleeing

So they won't know more than they should.

CUT TO: THE PRINICIPAL'S OFFICE. PHINEAS IS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE PRINCIPAL, LOOKING COMPLETELY CALM. PRINICIPAL FUNKILLER LOOKS ANGRY.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Mr. Fletcher, I've had troublemakers like you before. You think you're above THE SYSTEM. You think you don't have to follow the RULES, DON'T you?

PHINEAS (SHRUGGING)

No, not really.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER LEANS ACROSS THE DESK AND STARTS YELLING.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Don't you DARE talk back to me! You're in enough trouble as it is!

PHINEAS

I don't really get why IMPROVING the cafeteria is a bad thing.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

You didn't follow THE RULES! THE RULES are the most important thing in this school! They must be followed EXACTLY! There is NO ROOM for DANGEROUS DEVIATION!

PHINEAS

Have you ever actually TRIED the food here?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Of course not! My wife packs me lunch.

PHINEAS

It's terrible!

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

I'll thank you not to insult my wife's cooking!

PHINEAS

No, I meant the CAFETERIA food is terrible!

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Of course it's terrible! Cafeteria food is ALWAYS terrible!

PHINEAS

Why?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER (RED IN THE FACE AND YELLING)

It just is! Don't change the subject! You broke the RULES!

PHINEAS

There's a rule against making the food better?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Yes! Well, there's a rule against…anything I say there's a rule against!

PHINEAS

That sounds like a monarchy, not a school!

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Yes, well, what if EVERYONE did what you did?

PHINEAS

Your lunch business would skyrocket and your students would be happier.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Yes! I mean no! I mean…you're missing the point!

PHINEAS

What IS the point?

PRINICPAL FUNKILLER

I'm in charge here! I make the rules!

PHINEAS

So…no building stuff?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Not unless it's assigned!

PHINEAS

No improving things?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

NO improving things!

PHINEAS

No creativity?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

NO creativity!

PHINEAS

No FUN?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

NO FUN!

PHINEAS

So WHY do parents WANT us to come here?!

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

I've had enough of your disrespect, young man! I'm calling your mother!

PHINEAS

Could you ask her to bring me lunch?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

AND the superintendent of schools!

PHINEAS

Okay.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

AND THEN I'M SUSPENDING YOU FOR A WEEK!

PHINEAS

Cool.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

**THAT'S IT!**

HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.

CUT TO: LINDA IN THE KITCHEN, ROLLING A PIE CRUST. THE PHONE RINGS AND SHE PICKS IT UP.

LINDA

Hi, Candace. What are they doing now?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

Is this the Flynn-Fletcher residence?

LINDA

Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought you were my daughter.

LISTENS

Oh no, not you too! No, I'm sorry…I'll come right away.

SHE PUTS DOWN THE PHONE AND LEAVES WITH HER OVEN MITTS STILL ON.

CUT TO: A CLOSE-UP OF A DESK PLAQUE THAT SAYS "SUPERINTENDENT OF SCHOOLS." ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL AN OFFICE NOT UNLIKE THE PRINCIPAL'S. BEHIND THE DESK SITS THE SUPERINTENDANT. THE PHONE RINGS AND HE PICKS IT UP.

SUPERINTENDENT

Hello, Funkiller. What is it this time?...Re-built the cafeteria? HOW? That's impossible!...All right, I WILL come see for myself! This better not be another false alarm, Funkiller. I'm warning you.

HE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE AND LEAVES.

CUT TO: VANESSA AND DR. DOOF IN DOOFENSHMIRTZ'S CLASSROOM. VANESSA ROLLS HER EYES AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

VANESSA

Whatever, Dad. Just don't involve me in your stupid revenge plans.

SHE LEAVES.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Well, fine! I'll just finish up my new evil scheme and you don't get to be part of it!

HE STARTS MESSING AROUND WITH THE EASY-LAB-CLEAN-UP-INATOR (ELCU-INATOR).

DR. DOOF

Hmm, I'm going to need a screwdriver.

HE LEAVES THE ROOM. A SECOND LATER, PERRY RUNS IN, STILL AVOIDING CANDACE. HE GLANCES AT THE ELCU-INATOR, THEN HEARS CANDACE COMING DOWN THE HALL AND DECIDES TO CUT HIS LOSSES. HE GOES OUT THE WINDOW AND FLIES AWAY WITH HIS GLIDER.

CANDACE ENTERS THE CLASSROOM AND GOES TO THE WINDOW, STILL SOBBING. SHE JUST MISSES SEEING PERRY.

CUT TO: THE OUTSIDE HALL. TIARA AND THE CPGS ARE SEARCHING FOR JEREMY. THEY WALK AWAY AND HE STEPS OUT OF THE BROOM CLOSET.

JEREMY

Phew!

CUT TO: PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER'S OFFICE. PHINEAS, LINDA AND THE SUPERINTENDENT ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE DESK.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

For this level of delinquency, I recommend immediate EXPULSION for this young man! And SUSPENSION for the rest of the perpetrators!

LINDA (SKEPTICALLY)

So you're saying that my son and his friends re-modeled the cafeteria, in under an hour, and made the food BETTER?

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

That's not the POINT!

SUPERINTENDENT

I think we should take a look at the cafeteria before deciding anything.

THEY LEAVE THE OFFICE AND HEAD DOWN THE HALL. LINDA GLANCES AT PHINEAS.

LINDA

Do you have anything to say, Phineas?

PHINEAS

The food was REALLY bad, Mom.

LINDA

I'll pack you guys lunch tomorrow.

PHINEAS

Thanks!

THEY REACH THE CAFETERIA DOORS.

CUT TO: DOOFENSHMIRTZ'S ROOM. CANDACE TURNS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW AND IS DISTRACTED BY THE ELCU-INATOR.

CANDACE

What the heck is that?

SHE GOES OVER AND INSPECTS IT.

CANDACE (CONT)

It looks like one of Phineas and Ferb's weird inventions! I wonder what it does?

SHE STARTS MESSING WITH IT, TURNING IT TO FACE THE WINDOW. THEN SHE ACCIDENTALLY ACTIVATES IT. THE GREEN BLAST GOES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WINDOW, BETWEEN THE SCHOOLS, THROUGH THE FENCE, AND HITS THE CAFETERIA WINDOW. INSTANTLY, ALL OF PHINEAS AND FERB'S WORK IS UNDONE: THE COLORFUL STUFF GOES AWAY, THE FOOD GOES BACK TO BEING NASTY, AND THE GAMES VANISH. THE CAFETERIA NOW LOOKS JUST LIKE IT DID WHEN WE FIRST SAW IT, EXCEPT CLEANER.

CUT TO: THE OUTSIDE DOORS OF THE CAFETERIA. PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER FLINGS THE DOORS OPEN, BUT HIS BODY IS TURNED TOWARDS LINDA, PHINEAS AND THE SUPERINTENDENT. HE GESTURES TOWARDS THE CAFETERIA WITH HIS EYES CLOSED.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER

NOW do you see what these delinquents did?

LINDA (SARCASTICALLY)

They swept the floors. How very felonious.

SUPERINTENDENT

You better have something really incriminating hidden in that kitchen, Funkiller, because I'm not seeing anything bad.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER'S EYES POP OPEN. HE TAKES A LOOK AT THE CAFETERIA AND PROCEEDS TO HAVE A CANDACE-LIKE MELTDOWN.

PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER (RUNNING AROUND THE CAFETERIA)

But—but—NOOO! It was ALL HERE! I SAW IT! IT WAS HERE!

LINDA CHECKS HER WATCH, ANNOYED.

LINDA

I should really get going. I have a pie in the oven.

THE SUPERINTENDENT IS BRIGHT RED WITH RAGE. HE GRABS PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER BY THE EAR AND DRAGS HIM BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

SUPERINTENDENT (TO LINDA, WITH A VERY FORCED SMILE)

Excuse us a moment.

THEY DISAPPEAR. THEN WE HEAR THE SUPERINTENDENT YELLING.

SUPERINTENDENT

Do you have any idea how FED UP I am with you?! Every other day I get a call about some crazy student pulling a prank and every time—EVERY SINGLE TIME—it's a false alarm! You are costing me TIME, Funkiller! If this IMMATURE TATTLING doesn't STOP soon, I'll have you FIRED! FIRED, YOU HEAR ME?!

THE SUPERINTENDENT EMERGES. WE HEAR PRINCIPAL FUNKILLER SOBBING.

SUPERINTENDENT

I really am sorry about that, Ma'am. I hope you weren't too inconvenienced.

LINDA

And I thought Candace was bad. (TO PHINEAS) Well, honey, I'll see you at home. Have a good day!

SHE BENDS DOWN AND HUGS PHINEAS, WHO HAS BEEN COMPLETELY IMPASSIVE THIS WHOLE TIME.

PHINEAS

Bye, Mom! I can't wait to have some of that pie!

LINDA

If it hasn't burned to a crisp!

SHE LEAVES. THE SUPERINTENDENT AND PHINEAS LOOK BACK AT THE CAFETERIA FOR A BEAT BEFORE THE SUPERINTENDENT LOOKS AT PHINEAS.

SUPERINTENDENT

Get back to class. And don't worry about the detentions. You don't have to do them.

PHINEAS

Yes, sir. Thanks!

HE LEAVES.

CUT TO: DR. DOOF'S CLASSROOM. CANDACE LEAPS AWAY FROM THE ELCU-INATOR. A BIG PIECE FALLS OFF IN HER HAND.

CANDACE

What did I just do?

JEREMY

Hey, Candace.

CANDACE WHIPS AROUND AND SEES JEREMY LEANING AGAINST THE DOORWAY OF THE SCIENCE ROOM. SHE UNCONCIOUSLY SHOVES THE PIECE INTO HER POCKET. JEREMY LOOKS TIRED. SHE STRAIGHTENS UP AND IS TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY TO HIM WHEN HE SUDDENLY LOOKS UP, PANICKED.

JEREMY

Oh no! Hide me!

HE DASHES INTO THE CLASSROOM AND BEHIND THE TEACHER'S DESK. CANDACE IS MYSTIFIED. A SECOND LATER, TIARA POKES HER HEAD AROUND THE DOORWAY, FOLLOWED BY THE CPGS.

TIARA

Oh, it's just Candy Cane. Have you seen my new boyfriend?

JEREMY, OUT OF TIARA'S SIGHT, WINCES. CANDACE'S JAW DROPS.

CANDACE

I—WHAT?!

TIARA

Jeremy Johnson, stupid! Is he here?

JEREMY SHAKES HIS HEAD FRANTICALLY. CANDACE SPLUTTERS FOR A SECOND, THEN CALMS DOWN.

CANDACE

Nope, haven't seen him.

TIARA SMACKS ONE OF THE CPGS.

TIARA

Brittany! I thought you said he was in here!

BRITTANY

I thought he was!

CPG 2 (BRITTANI)

Totally not.

TIARA

Shut up, Brittani! He must have gone that way!

THEY LEAVE. JEREMY BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF. CANDACE STOMPS OVER AND STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM.

CANDACE

Okay, what was THAT about?!

JEREMY

I don't really know! They've been chasing me since this morning! I just wanted to find YOU, but you weren't ANYWHERE and they were EVERYWHERE! I've been running from them for the whole day!

CANDACE

Soo…you don't like any of them?

JEREMY

Of COURSE not! Tiara SCARES me and I can't tell the other two apart!

CANDACE

Yeah, neither can she. She called them both Brittany.

JEREMY

That's cause they're both NAMED Brittany. One's Brittany Ashley Thomson—like THIS—

HE GRABS A MARKER AND WRITES IT ON THE BOARD

JEREMY (CONT)

And the other one's Brittani Ashlee Thompson, like THIS.

HE WRITES THAT ON THE BOARD TOO.

JEREMY

You weren't worried, were you? I like YOU, Candace, and none of them are going to get in the way of that. Neither are our crazy schedules.

HE TAKES HER HAND. CANDACE GOES ALL MUSHY-EYED.

CANDACE

Oh, Jeremy—

DOOFENSHMIRTZ WALKS IN WITH A HIGH-POWER DRILL AND A BOX OF NAILS.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

Hey, you crazy kids! Go sweet-talk each other somewhere else!

CANDACE AND JEREMY LEAVE, HOLDING HANDS. DOOFENSHMIRTZ GOES TO WORK ON THE ELCU-INATOR, THEN CRIES OUT IN HORROR.

DOOFENSHMIRTZ

NOO! Someone stole the atomic circumference-radial balancer! CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!

CUT TO: PERRY ENTERING THE FLYNN-FLETCHER HOUSEHOLD THROUGH THE WALL. HE LISTENS, FROWNS, SHRUGS, AND TAKES OFF HIS HAT JUST AS LINDA WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR.

CUT TO: CANDACE AND JEREMY WALKING DOWN THE HALL HOLDING HANDS. CANDACE PULLS THE MISSING PIECE OF DR. DOOF'S MACHINE OUT OF HER POCKET, SHRUGS, AND TOSSES IT IN THE NEAREST GARBAGE CAN.

END OF PART 2


End file.
